My Ghost

yellow and blue and maybe a little green

should I make mac n cheese?

10:18 on the clock says no

but

everything is gray

and now it’s 10:22

and I haven’t thought of a single thing to say

what’s left to say anyway

the boy next-door is saying it all to the girl who lives there

and I don’t know her name

and I don’t know anything, really

not even whether or not to go make mac n cheese

and it’s still 10:22

and I’ve already said enough

I always know when I’ve said enough

by the sheer fact that I’ve said nothing at all

“these days I can’t seem to get along with anyone”

“will it be alright?”

so I’ll sit here and think about nothing

until the mac n cheese has gone stale in the drawer

10:26 and this is worthless, pale poetry

if you can even call it that

10:27

so I’ll put my shoes on and go make the mac n cheese

and think about what I’ll wear tomorrow

which is still as useless as thinking about nothing

but at least it’ll pass for sanity

and it’s 10:29

 

 

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Woah remember my blog?

Because I almost forgot. Oops.

But I have valid reasons ok-

Since my last post I have

1 taken several AP exams

2 graduated high school

3 attended approximately 400 grad parties

4 attended Hangout Fest (Brendon Urie simultaneously killed me and saved my life)

5 not seen most of my “friends” from high school since graduation (remember when I said that sometimes you’re only friends with people because you see them five days out of the week? Yeah.)

6 gotten the results to several AP exams

7 had my very last Azalea Trail appearance

8 started and quit a job (I had to quit because I moved away. And also because my boss was horrible at making our schedules.)

9 went to a Twenty One Pilots concert

10 said goodbye to all my closest friends as we all parted ways (literally we’re all living in different cities now. All 9 of us.)

11 tried to explain to my cat and dog why I wasn’t going to see them every day anymore (real tears people)

12 moved two hours away to a different state

13 became roommates with a complete stranger

14 ordered Insomnia Cookies twice (have you heard of these? They are truly a Godsend. Although meeting they guy out in the parking garage late at night feels a lot like how I imagine a drug deal feels.)

15 attended three weeks of college classes

16 ?????

17 that’s basically it I guess

18 Saturday I’ll be attending my first ever college football game! (@dad what’s good)

19 I have a math quiz in the morning???? eh :/

20 Anyway

Heavy, right? Anyway I hope y’all forgive me for my absence. Hopefully I’ll be posting more often. I already have a few things in mind. *wink wink*

Thoughts From a High School Senior a Month Away from Graduation

  • a month is not very long at all
  • especially when you’re trying to take everything in
  • savor it before it’s gone
  • I swear I was a freshman just yesterday
  • actually I don’t really remember anything before sophomore year. Maybe I repressed it?
  • and also actually this has been the longest and most stressful experience of my life
  • lol can’t wait for college
  • woah I have so many graduation parties to buy dresses for
  • wait, should I have a graduation party???
  • no, I don’t want to buy another dress
  • and all my weekends are full
  • would it be tacky to have a graduation party after graduation??
  • anyway
  • why do I still have homework
  • shout out to my AP exams I’m not prepared for
  • no but really
  • will I actually miss high school?
  • tbh what is there to miss besides my friends
  • and the familiarity
  • and knowing my way around campus
  • and knowing all my teachers
  • moving on…
  • oh no I have to buy a dress for graduation too
  • oh my god
  • what am I gonna tell my cat when I go off to college
  • she’s gonna think I abandoned her
  • I’ll have to come back every weekend just to see my cat
  • what if my roommate is horrible
  • who am I gonna sit with in the cafeteria
  • ugh
  • maybe I’ll actually get a boyfriend in college
  • #jokes
  • but in all honesty I am gonna miss some of the teachers I’ve had the past four years
  • but not you Mrs. K
  • I wonder if I’ll cry at graduation
  • probably not
  • my mom will though for sure
  • are you supposed to get people presents for their graduation party????
  • why didn’t high school teach me how to do my taxes
  • what even is a checkbook
  • maybe I’ll marry an accountant or something
  • maybe I should start sending out my graduation announcements…
  • I know my friends and I say we’ll keep in touch but will we really
  • let’s be honest half of my friends in high school are only my friends because I have classes with them
  • remember in middle school when I thought I’d be popular in high school
  • can I just go back to kindergarten
  • but also can I just skip college and go to Europe
  • as if I had money for that
  • what if I chose the wrong college
  • is there a no takebacks clause in my contract
  • I’ll tell ya one thing
  • I won’t miss the cafeteria food in high school
  • even though the cafeteria ladies are really nice
  • it’s not their fault they can’t season anything properly
  • I officially can’t listen to “You’re Gonna Miss This” by Trace Adkins without tearing up
  • I’m gonna miss some things
  • going to Foosacklys on half days
  • fighting tooth and nail to get out of Lot 5 right after school
  • “Nice truck bro sorry about your ****”
  • administration knowing me by name
  • Brother Paul taking pictures at every single school function
  • “as published earlier…”
  • “D as in Delta”
  • “hey did you know we’re state champs”
  • Friday Night Lights
  • passing the cannon every day
  • having a uniform and not having to pick out an outfit every day
  • Mrs. Dumas bringing in homemade cookies
  • Sean eating half of them
  • knowing what’s expected of me
  • knowing how to navigate academically and socially
  • the general comfort that being in a place for a long time gives you
  • I never was good with change
  • and everything is about to change
  • ūüôā
  • #rip

Social Casualty

You know in those books

where everyone is forced to act

a certain way or wear a certain

uniform under a

controlling

government? But then one

person acts out, acts against what

they’re supposed to do

and that person is a hero-

But here, in the real world

that same person is

that boy who drinks too much

or the girl who smokes weed

under the stairs between classes

You see,

they’re the same.

The hero and the delinquent I mean

Both doing things they

shouldn’t according to

society’s rules

They both have that

something inside them

that allows them to

act out

Bravery, Idiocy, Recklessness.

But in one world that person

is a hero, and in another, a punk.

Take one and put them in

a different place, a

different time

and see what they become

I guess it’s all a matter of

circumstance, of chance

and universe

and maybe a little bit

of perspective

 

 

Things I’ve done in the past month or so

-went to Chicago! My favorite part was the sixteen hour bus ride there

-and the bus ride back

-surprisingly this is the third longest bus ride I’ve been on in the past year

-it was 35 degrees when we left Chicago and 75 degrees at home when we got back

-watched my high school’s football team win the state championship for the first time in school history

-shown up for an appointment 24 hours early

-been in two parades in one week

-heard a grown man ask Santa for weed for Christmas

-had someone tell me I was Hispanic because they obviously know better than I do

-heard a girl say that Hispanics aren’t oppressed because she’s 1/2 Hispanic and she’s not oppressed

-seen the world’s largest and most complete T-Rex

-learned that its name is Sue

-bought a pasta spoon in her likeness

-it’s called the Pastasaurus

-seen Van Gogh paintings in real life and cried

-bought all my friends Christmas presents

-put very little thought into presents for my family

-read Ernest Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises twice

-wrote a research paper about it

-forced my cat to listen to Taylor Swift’s Christmas album

-held mock interviews for 6 younger girls

-went to school when less than half of the student body showed up

-had eleven people ask me where I’m going to college

-made exactly zero college decisions

-slept very little

-wrote a letter to my favorite author and cried while doing it

-cried a lot about a lot of stuff tbh

And thus ends my recollection of the past month of my life which was really great actually. I’m sorry you had to read that but I had to share with someone.

If I Had a Nickel…

Do you know that movie about that little boy who bullies that little girl and all the adults tell her that’s just how boys show affection?

“Which one?” you ask.

Have you heard that song about the guy who keeps telling¬†the girl to bring “it” over to him?

“Which one?” you ask.

Do you know that guy in class who complains that girls talk too much every time the teacher calls on a girl instead of him?

“Which one?” you ask.

Hey, remember that time we went running at the park and the guy in the ice cream truck catcalled us?

“Which time?” you ask.

Have you read that book about the girl who was sad until some boy told her he loved her and then she was magically cured of all her unhappiness?

“Which one?” you ask.

Did you see that news report about that guy who shot that girl because she didn’t want to go out with him?

“Which one?” you ask.

Did you see those comments on that Facebook post about the football player who raped a girl that all said what a shame it was that his life would be ruined now?

“Which one?” you ask.

Remember that time when you were little and you were playing football with your brother and your mom asked you wouldn’t you rather come play dolls inside?

“Which time?” you ask.

Did you hear about that girl who got sent home because her bra strap was visible and it was “distracting” to the boys?

“Which one?” you ask.

Do you know about that female scientist who never got credit for her work and instead some men claimed all the credit for it?

“Which one?” you ask.

Hey remember when men weren’t allowed to vote, and didn’t make as much money as women doing the same job, and were told to cover up because their own bodies are explicit, and were constantly looked down upon and ridiculed simply because they were men?

Oh wait, me either.

The Eve of Eighteen

Seventeen, seventeen, don’t leave me yet.

Stay with me a while longer, until I’m ready.

I’m not ready for eighteen and don’t¬†want to be.

But maybe that’s how it has to go.

Maybe you have to dive into eighteen.

Maybe you have to let it drag you in.

Maybe it’s different from the warm sentimental embrace of seventeen.

Seventeen is “this is my last time to…”

Seventeen is “this time next year…”

Seventeen is clinging to childhood while grasping for adulthood.

Seventeen is anxiety, anticipation, getting it together.

Eighteen is scary.

Eighteen is uncertain.

Eighteen is grown up- but not really.

Eighteen is making your own decisions while older people act superior to you.

Seventeen is the last bit of security before “the real world.”

But wait-

If eighteen is the start of the real world,

What have I been living in?

Seventeen is realization.

Seventeen is preparation.

Seventeen is the calm before the storm.

Seventeen is the smoke screen.

Seventeen is the song with the windows down.

Seventeen is the neon-lit gas station late at night.

Seventeen is slipping from me, sliding through my fingers.

Eighteen is the moving away from home.

Eighteen is unfamiliar.

Eighteen is-

Let’s not talk about it anymore.

Let’s talk about our hometowns.

And our habits and our friends.

And our feeling of impending doom.

Let’s talk about anything

Anything but eighteen.

Call me cowardly,

Go ahead.

But I’m nervous about eighteen.

I don’t know eighteen.

Eighteen is the distant relative you stay with on your road trip

Because they offered and you can’t refuse.

Seventeen is the relative who always brings green bean casserole

And¬†you know them and you’re comfortable around them.

So let’s stay with seventeen.

Eighteen can go ahead, I’ll catch up later.

Let me cherish my time with seventeen.

Let me finish growing up.